Holding On
by MalloryAlise
Summary: Final chapter uploaded; M/L fic
1. Chapter One

Timeline:  First Season, virtually AU

Disclaimer:  They ain't mine, 'nuff said.

AN:  I just wanted to test the field.  If you don't like it tell me, flames warm my heart.  And if you do like it, tell me you want more, I promise M/L shippiness.  

Holding On 

"Logan," Sam began as he walked into Logan's room.

"Let me start you out Sam," Logan sighed seeing the doctor's face.  "Logan, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you."

"I am sorry Logan," Sam said, "but surgery is your only available option now.  I shouldn't have let you progress to this point.  I'm scheduling you for Thursday morning, which gives you two days to get your affairs in order and for us to locate blood for you.  I won't lie to you, this is one operation you may not survive—but you won't live another month without it."

**********

"Logan," Max called out as she entered the apartment.  "Your in-house cat burglar is here and she wants to be fed."  She said moving from room to room.  "Logan?" she asked perplexed one last time as she looked around the empty apartment.  _Guess I'm early for once, _she thought moving to the kitchen.  Taped on the front of the refrigerator she saw an envelope with her name on it.  Ripping it open she saw it was from Logan.  

_Max, I figured you would go straight to the fridge.  There's some left over chicken just pop it in the microwave for about two minutes if you want a snack.  Sorry about ditching you but I forgot I had an appointment with Sam today.  Back soon, Logan._

"Oh you know me all to well, Mr. Cale," Max replied as she finished reading the note.  "And while I am hungry, you have presented me with a unique opportunity.  To be in your home—invited—and alone.  Perhaps a little snooping is in order, just to make sure there are no more ex-wives or ex-fiancées popping out of closets."  Max wandered through the apartment as she mulled over her starting place, until she finally decided on Logan's office.

"At the very least, maybe I can get a feel for what you want me to do for the latest Eyes Only crusade," Max said silently, trying to appease her conscious which sounded vaguely like Logan.  She walked over to the desk and picked up the folder on the table, thinking it was research for the latest case.  Instead of a folder filled with corrupt officials, Max discovered that it was Logan's medical file._  I really shouldn't be reading this, but what if it says something I need to know about?  No_, Max thought as she started to put the folder down_, he would tell me if anything was seriously wrong.  Like he told you the last time_, a nagging little voice from the back of her mind teased her.  _On second thought,_ Max decided as she opened the folder and began to skim the contents of the folder.  "So what do we have here?"  Max asked as she dropped gracefully into Logan's chair, _BP normal, good cholesterol, _she thought as she perused the CBC,_ hmmm, the RBC's and the platelet counts are really low though._  She flipped the page over and looked at the notes behind it, _PNH seems to be at bay.  Adding lorazapam to calm nerves._  A glance at the date told her this information was from almost a year ago, so she shuffled the papers around until she found the most recent entry.  "Oh my God, Logan," Max whispered as she read Sam's notes.  _PNH has become increasingly aggressive.  RBC's and platelets continue to plummet, liver functions decreasing.  Exhausted all non-invasive treatments._

"Logan, what the hell is wrong with you?"  


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer:  Didn't I already say I don't own them?

AN:  I am so sorry about not letting anonymous reviewers leave messages.  Stupid me forgot to uncheck that box.  Sorry about that y'all, and thanks so much for all the encouragement to continue with this story.  I am a big time procrastinator so you might have to start leaving threatening email, and just let me warn you I have a lot of papers to write before next week so give me awhile on the next chapter.  I basically have the dialogue written, it's just going to take some time putting in description.  Thanks and have a great Turkey day.

************

"Logan, what the hell is wrong with you?"  She asked the room, as she shut the folder and placed it back on the desk.  Max swiveled around in the chair and flicked on the computer, hurriedly accessing the MedNet for Metro Hospital.  She easily hacked into Logan's personal medical records.  _Shouldn't have taught me all those neat little tricks if you didn't want to get caught, Babe_, she thought as she pulled up the doctor's notes and related research.  _Paroxysmal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria.  Okay that's a mouthful, now what is it?_

"Hey Max?"  Logan called as he entered the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

"Oh shit," Max whispered.  "No time to shut you down," she said as she switched to a search engine and began researching the going rate for a statue of Bast.

"Hey, what are you doing in here?"  Logan asked her, looking slightly puzzled.

Max spun around in the chair to look at him.  _He looks almost yellow, why didn't I notice that before?  'Cause now you have an idea of what you're looking for stupid._  "Oh nothing, just doing a little research on Egyptian mythology.  I gotta keep you guessing after all."

"You always do," Logan replied as he glanced at the folder on the table, then back to Max.  "Want some lunch?"

"Um, yeah," Max answered getting up from her chair.  "How was your appointment with Sam?"

"Fine.  Do you want something heavy or light?"  He asked her as they entered the kitchen.

            _Nice subject change_, "How about something light?"

            "Chef salad with a vinaigrette dressing?"  He suggested as he handed her some plates and silverware.

            "Sounds great," Max replied as she quickly set the table and walked back into the kitchen.

            Logan handed her some vegetables along with a boiled egg and some ham.  "Okay, here you chop these up while I make the dressing."

            _Wow, look at me I turned into a domestic,_ Max mused while she chopped the vegetables.  _Logan's sick.  Logan is dying.  Logan is sick and probably dying and he hasn't even told me yet.  Damn!  I am standing in Logan's kitchen chopping vegetables for a salad and pretending like everything is normal.  It's not normal and it's not fine._

            "Um, Max," Logan interrupted with a chuckle and removed the knife from Max's hand.  "I said chop not puree the vegetables.  Hey you okay?" he asked noticing her dazed look.

            "Oh yeah," Max said as she shook her head a little, "I'm just in my female fog bank."

            "You sure?"

            "Positive," she replied looking down at the remains of the vegetables on the cutting board.  "Got anything else that needs to be liquefied?"

            Moving to the refrigerator, Logan pulled some more ingredients and set them before Max.  "Let's try for chunks this time."

*******

_Okay, time to assess the situation.  Logan has Paroxysmal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria.  First task is to find out what the hell that is_, Max thought irritably as she sat on the couch in her living room._  At least I made it through dinner with him tonight without killing him for not telling me about all of this sooner.  Why does he have to be so stubborn all the time?  Would it really kill him to admit that he needs someone?  Just because he's Eyes Only doesn't mean he has to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders.  _

"Hey boo, how was _lunch_ with Roller Boy?"  Cindy asked as she flopped down on the couch beside of Max.  "Boo?"  She asked again as she waved her hand in front of Max's face.  "Me?  I had a great day.  Knocked off Normal.  Had a threesome with Herbal and Sketchy.  Oh, and some guys from Manticore stopped by, I told them to come back around six for ya."

_He makes me so mad, thinking he can just keep everything to himself when it doesn't just concern him anymore.  Second thing I have to do is hit Logan upside the head for not telling me about any of this.  How dare he keep something like this from me?  I care about him, hell I even l…_ "What?"  Max questioned as re-entered the real world.

            "Damn boo, what's up wit you?"

            "Just spacin'," Max replied as she stood up and walked towards the door.  "Look I gotta bounce, back in a few."

            "Late," Cindy said belatedly as she watched the door shut.

***Paroxysmal Nocturnal Hemoglobinuria is a rare blood disorder affecting 1 in 100,000 people.  It is genetically linked, not inherited, and activates when the defective PIG-A gene is exposed to any kind of environmental mutagen.  I thought it fit since Seattle now possesses a place called Terminal City.  Budd-Chiari Syndrome is a liver disease affecting 1 in 40,000 people, sometimes PNH patients develop the disorder as a side effect of their medications.  Ironic isn't that their medications sometimes make them sicker?  Both diseases have become an integral part of my family, my father was diagnosed with PNH seven years ago, and the onset of Budd-Chiari came two years ago.


	3. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer:**  Must I go through this every time?

**AN:  **Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have been reading and reviewing.  I'm glad to see that you like the story so far.  I hate to be a party-pooper but I won't be updating until _at least_ Dec 14—blame it on FINALS week.  So…read this chapter, enjoy it, and if the mood strikes you leave me a note on how you want to see the story progress.

Chapter Three 

            Max entered the apartment quietly, and moved towards the faint light of the office.  She remained silent for a few minutes just watching him stare at the screen in front of him.  She opened her mouth to begin her usual arrival announcement, "Kn—"

            "Hey Max," Logan interrupted her quietly, without looking away from the screen.  _How does she know when I need her to come around?  It's like she's got this sixth sense that says, 'Logan's feeling sorry for himself you better kick his ass.'  Hell, knowing Manticore, she probably is a partial empath.  _

            Max looked at the screen from where she stood, trying to make out the words.  _Budd Chiari Syndrome_.  "Whatcha doin'?"  She asked pushing away from the door and moving to stand behind him.

            "Um, nothing," Logan stammered as he flicked off the screen.

            "Logan," Max sighed sadly as she flipped the screen back on.  "Medical research?  Who's sick?"

            "A friend, nothing for you to worry about," Logan said as he began picking up folders and papers, clearing away the clutter on his desk.  

            "Logan, I know."

            "You know?  Know what?"  _Avoidance is good,_ Logan thought as he methodically alphabetized the items he had gathered.  _Avoidance means you're neither denying nor admitting.  Unfortunately for you, though, she's pretty damn good at the whole escape and evade concept, too.  _

            "That you're sick," Max said softly.  "I saw the file on the desk this morning.  I thought it was Eyes Only stuff, so I read it."  Seeing Logan's stoic stature beginning to falter, she pounces.  "Why didn't you tell me?"

            Giving up on the pretence of avoidance, Logan turns his chair around to face her but is unable to meet her eyes.  "I didn't want you to know."

            "That wasn't for you to decide," Max begins as she reaches out to touch his shoulder.

            "Oh really?" Logan icily questioned.  _If avoidance doesn't work, you can always shift to anger.  And me, I've got years of pent up anger just aching to be released._

            "Yeah, I thought we were," Max trailed off searching for the right word to define her relationship with Logan, "friends."

            _Better be careful Max, you might just lose part of that nonchalant attitude you've built up so well.  _More annoyed at himself for leaving his medical folder out on his desk, he tried to play the self-sacrificing good soul who protected the innocent.  "Would you have left if you had known I was dying?  I didn't want to keep you here."

            "But it's my decision Logan.  I stay because I want to stay."

            "I don't want you getting killed because of me," Logan reasoned finally meeting her eyes.

            "Not everything is about you Logan!" Max exclaimed.  Closing her eyes briefly she continued in a softer voice, "I don't stay just for you.  I have other friends here.  But the main reason I stay is for me.  This is where my friends are, my home is here.  I feel safe here and for the first time in my life…loved.  You should have told me."

            "Well, now you know.  Eyes Only is dying," he bit out bitterly.

            "I refuse to accept that."

            "Max—"

            "No, you won't die on me.  We'll find better doctors."

            "It won't—"

            "Japan or Europe maybe.  They can find a way to use my—"

            "Max!"  Logan yelled, finally getting her to halt her tirade.  "It won't help, it's too late for that now.  There is no cure for this, and now I have side effects."  He paused a moment gathering his thoughts before continuing, "I'm having surgery on Thursday morning—liver surgery to open up a blocked artery."

            "Well, that'll help, right?"

            "I don't know.  Sam isn't very hopeful."

            "I'll be there for you."

            "No Max."

            Foreseeing a round of tug of war, Max moved to squelch the debate before it took place.  "Look, I can keep on doing this for hours.  I think the past few months have proven just how stubborn I can be.  Face it, I'm there when you have the surgery whether you like or not."

"Max, it's a five-hour surgery," he tried to reason, but it came out more like a whine.  _What are you doing Logan?  You used to be able to win these things._

"So, you'll leave me some Eyes Only files to look at or something," Max retorted.  She knew she had broken him.  

After a brief minute, Logan admits his defeat.  "Do you want some dinner?"

"Are you going to let me come?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to tell me about this illness?"

"It's complicated, Max."  Logan replied as he led the way to the kitchen trying to think of something quick to make.  

Stepping in front of his path, she knelt down in front of him.  "Where am I going?"

"After dinner."  
"Promise?"

"I promise," he sighed and she slowly moved from her position in front of him.  
"So what are you going to feed me tonight?"


	4. Chapter Four

Disclaimer:  If I owned them we would still be watching the show, because I would never have let the evil FOX bureaucrats sink my ship.

AN:  Sorry I've been away so long y'all, like I said…FINALS.  I'm so incredibly happy, no more Gender-bending Science Fiction, Fantasy and Utopia class!  Whoo-hoo!  (Mal does a little happy dance).  Oh and before you read, I so apologize for the crappiness of this chapter.  I think I'm struggling with a little bit of writer's block and I'm also in the process of phasing out the scholarly diction I've been employing for the last week.  

Chapter Four 

Logan watched as Max walked ahead of him into the living room and proceeded to flop onto his couch.  "Hmmm…too full to move, huh?"

"Oh please, you're not that lucky, Mr. Cale," Max grinned as she watched him transfer to the opposite end of the couch.  _You're so strong, Logan.  God, you must be the strongest person I know_, Max thought as she twisted her body around to face him.  _But I have to make you see you don't have to be strong alone._  "Explain it to me."

"So I'm not going to get out of this one just because I fed you, huh?"  Logan joked.  "Okay, so I'm guessing from that look we have a definite no," he said in response to Max's glare.

"You may be one hell of a cook, Logan, but you ain't that good."

Sighing in defeat, Logan turned his gaze away from her, and looking down at his lap began.  "I was working on a case awhile back, doing a story on nuclear science.  It was a long time ago, before I met you, even before I started Eyes Only.  Anyway, I got exposed to some high levels of radiation, which triggered this defective gene in my body.  So you see you're not the only lemon," Logan explained with an air of self-deprecation, "my genes are defective too.  About a year later, I started getting sick.  I thought I had the flu or something because I just felt rundown.  So I went to my doctor and he referred me to Sam when he didn't like the results of my CBC.  I've had PNH for about four years now.  I never told anyone about it until now."  Letting out a deep sigh as he finished, Logan sunk back into the couch and closed his eyes for a minute.  

Max stood up and walked towards the window in an effort to hide the tears forming in her eyes.  Biting her lip, she stared at him through the reflection in the glass, willing her tears to stop.  "But you're having surgery Thursday."

"Budd Chiari," Logan replied flatly, opening his eyes.  "I'm in liver failure; this will be my second surgery."

"This'll fix it though right?" She asked as she turned to face him.

"Honestly, no.  Not completely.  It'll help with my decreasing liver functions, though."  _If she wants the truth, I may as well go all the way with her_, Logan thought miserably.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Max asked as she returned to the couch.

"I didn't want to be even more of a lost cause."  _Way to go genius.  How much more pathetic can you possibly sound tonight_, Logan thought bitterly.  

Sensing his turmoil, Max placed her hand on top of his, "You're not a lost cause Logan."

"Oh yeah, who could ask for more?"  Radiating sarcasm he continued his tirade, "I'm stuck in a wheelchair, and I have an incurable disease.  No, of course I'm not a lost cause.  I'm the freaking poster child of health and prosperity."

"Stop, Logan, just stop," Max interrupted.  "I will not listen to you berate yourself.  You are so many things that I don't even know where to begin.  You are smart, you're funny, you're brave, and you're my best friend.  You are not broken, Logan," Max said as a tear fell from her eye.  "You're not broken."  _I won't let you be broken_.  

"Thanks."

"I didn't say it to get a thank you."

"I know," he replied quietly, capturing her hand and giving it a squeeze.  

Slipping back into her tough as nails façade, Max stood up and began walking towards the door.  "I'm gonna knock off early tomorrow.  Come over, make sure you get some rest."

 "I don't need a babysitter Max," he called after her retreating figure, but she was already out the door.

Max leaned against the closed door and thought about his final remark.  "You may not need a babysitter Logan, but I might."

*~*~*~*~*

NEXT DAY @ JAM PONY

            Max was standing at the base of the ramp surveying the building when Original Cindy walked over to her.  "Hey boo, you didn't come home till late last night and then you bounced out early this morning.  Where you been?"

"Thinkin'" Max replied absently, as she spotted the object of her search.  "Hey Normal, me and you need to conference," she commanded as she followed Normal to his office, leaving a puzzle Cindy in her wake.

Stopping in the middle of the doorway, he turned around to face her.  "No you can't have the day off.  Now get back to work."

"But one of my friends—"

"Bip, bip, bip," Normal interrupted, "I'm your boss, not Barney.  I don't love everyone."

"He has PNH," Max stated, not that she thought he would understand.  "He's dying, so fire my ass if you want to, I really don't care anymore!"  

As she was turning to walk away, Normal halted her by placing a hand on her arm, "PNH?" 

Glancing down at the hand with disgust Max replied, "Yeah, it's a—"

"Yeah, I know what it is," Normal stopped her again and removed his hand.  "My dad had it.  Take all the time you need and tell Logan I'll light a candle for him."

            _Wow he really is a person_, Max thought."Thanks, Normal."

"Now get out of my sight," he said stepping into his office and slamming the door in her face.  

"Well, so much for that whole 'he is a person' thought," Max muttered as she walked over to the lockers.

*~*~*~*~*

LOGAN'S PLACE

"Knock, Knock," Max called as she entered the apartment.

"You know I think maybe it's time you got a key," Logan said as he came out of the office.  "Locks are expensive you know."

"Not the kind you buy," Max retorted leaning against the wall.  "I swear anyone could walk in here and steal anything they wanted."

            "Oh really?"

"Well, you know…commerce.  So how're you doing?"

"Want to eat?"

"Subtle, Logan," Max called as she watched him roll into the kitchen.

"Food, then conversation," he called over his shoulder.

"Fine.  You win for now," she answered, pushing away from the wall and following him into the kitchen.  

***Ya know, I wouldn't be the least bit upset if someone offered to read the next chapter for me before I posted it.  Just a suggestion.


	5. Chapter Five

**Disclaimer:**  _Mallory lying in the floor beating her hands on the carpet and screaming, "I want them. I'll be good to them, I promise."_  Darn, my temper tantrum didn't work 'cause they still ain't mine.

**AN:**  A big shout out to Vix for being such an awesome friend and reviewing this chapter for me instead of completing a lab for Biology.  (Procrastinators of the world unite).  Seriously, thanks Vix.  And a BIG thank you to all of you who have been leaving reviews.  

~*~*~Chapter Five:  Today's the Day~*~*~ 

Never taking his eyes off Max, Logan directed his question towards Sam.  "So I should be out in about five hours?"

"Under optimal circumstances the surgery should last about five hours, yes."  Sam told Logan as he checked his IV.  Turning to Max he smiled softly, "Someone will call you about every two hours to give you an update on him."

Never taking her eyes off Logan, Max nodded, "Thank you."

Feeling uncomfortable about intruding on a private moment between the two, Sam hurriedly finished his pre-surgery examination.  "I'll give you two a few minutes alone," he muttered as he backed away from the bed and left the room.  

Seeing her hand laying beside his on the bed, Logan reached for it.  "I'll be okay," he said trying to reassure her while he stroked her hand.

"Yeah, you will be.  I mean everything will go fine," Max said hurriedly.  "So they have enough blood?"  Suddenly Max heard Cindy invading her thoughts, _What's up wit you gurl?  Your man is about to go under the knife and you can't even form a sentence._  She smiled weakly at Logan seeing his confused expression.  _Humph, first my conscious sounds like Logan and now it's like Cindy, when do I get to hear myself?_  Giving her head a little shake to clear her thoughts she forced herself to answer Logan's unasked question.  "Well, I mean that is why I transfused you the last time, you know."  

"Sam said they had everything covered," he said as Max nodded her head trying to hide a tear.  "Hey," he let go of her hand and reached up to stroke her cheek, "I'll be fine," he tried to reassure her, though the words seemed to almost be more of a reassurance to himself than the woman next to him.

"I know, it's just…damn it!"  She began to shout, the tears running down her cheeks as her tone rose.  "I…Logan, I can't lose you," she cried, her angry tone having been replaced by fear.  She cried openly, "God Logan, I can't lose you," and in her tears allowed one of her walls to fall.  Her actions were in direct opposition to her years of training, she was emotionally exposed and for a moment she was terrified of that but she realized she was more afraid of losing Logan.

Logan brushed the tears away from her face, as he looked at her in awe.  "I've never seen you cry before," he whispered.

She smiled through her tears, "I cry all the time," she assured him.  "I just don't do it in front of anyone," Max confessed.  "You'd be amazed at what dark shadows can hide."

"You won't lose me," Logan told her as he drew her close for a hug, "I'll see you in a few hours."

Slightly surprised by the sudden action her immediate response was to fight back, but then she told herself this was Logan and she could relax.  She snuggled deeper into his embrace and buried her face in the crook of the neck, inhaling his scent. "You promise?"

"I promise," Logan said as he stroked her hair.  Logan was desperately searching his mind for something that would help ease her apprehension, and a few seconds later began to smile as he thought of her favorite threat.  "'Cause if I don't you'll kick my ass, right?"

Maneuvering a little so that she could look at him, while still remaining physically connected, she smiled at him.  "Right," Max confirmed giving a weak laugh, "'cause girls kick ass, says so on the shirt."

Logan nodded his head in response, and tried to forget about another notion that had just entered his head.  He couldn't help it, he always had to be prepared for the worst, and he hated laying this on Max, but he just had to tell her.  "But just in case…in the third drawer, left side of my desk—my will.  Just follow the instructions."

Max drew away from him sharply, "You said you'd be fine."

He tried not to look hurt by her withdrawal, to be strong, but damn it he needed her.  "Just in case," he said as he reached for her hand again.

"You promised."

"I know and I haven't broken any of my promises to you yet," he said in an effort to comfort her.  

The door opened as the nurse walked into the room, startling the pair.  "Hello Mr. Cale," the woman smiled at him.  

Max couldn't help her feelings of contempt and annoyance as the nurse proceeded with her routine so nonchalantly.  _Doesn't this person realize that I could lose my whole life in just a few minutes?  Whoa, where did that come from?_  Max wondered, _When did Logan become my life, and why does it take almost losing him for me to realize that?_  Glaring at the nurse again Max thought, _Can't you just leave?  You are so obviously not helping the situation and you're taking away from my time with Logan._

As the nurse entered codes into the blood pressure monitor she addressed Max, "And you must be Mrs. Cale.  I'll leave you two alone after I check his blood pressure and get a pulse.  The orderlies will be here in about fifteen minutes to take you down to surgery," she concluded as the cuff deflated.  "Good luck with your surgery Mr. Cale," she said as she made a note in his chart and left the room.  

As the door closed Logan squeeze Max's hand, "I see you didn't correct her."

"Yeah, well…I have been called worse."  _I guess Miss Nurse was aiight,_ she thought.  _I kinda like being mistaken for Mrs. Cale—I am after all a definite improvement over Valerie_, she smugly told herself.  

"Been called better?" his blue eyes danced, as he teased her.

_Okay, maybe she wasn't so helpful_.  "Fifteen minutes," Max spoke avoiding the question, "and I don't get to see you for five hours.  I'm going to go crazy Logan."

"I brought my laptop, play some BlasterBall, see if you can beat my top score.  And don't change the subject."

"I learn from the best," she replied.

"Well, the Master is waiting," he grinned arrogantly.

"No, not in a long time," she said honestly.

"What?"

"I said, I haven't been called better in a long time."

"Is that a compliment?" he asked seeing Max's smile.  

"Knock, knock," a burly orderly called out as he walked into the room followed by another man wheeling a smaller gurney.  "Mr. Cale, we're going to transfer you to pre-op."  As the other man aided Logan in transferring to the bed, he glanced at Max and noticed her bereft look at the loss of Logan's hand, "Ma'am you can ride down and wait with him for a while.  Then someone will take you to the waiting room."

"Thank you," Max replied as she picked up her backpack and Logan's laptop from the bedside chair.  

She followed closely behind them as they walked towards the elevators and came to a halt in front of the doors, allowing her stand next to Logan.  She looked down at him and brushed a tear away from the corner of her.  Seeing her actions, Logan reached for her hand and held tightly as they continued to the surgery holding room.  

~*~*~*RIGHT BEFORE SURGERY~*~*~*

Max looked down at Logan, as he fought sleep.  She stared around the room taking in her surroundings and watching the people in the other cubicles.  Some were young, some were old, some were mothers, and some were fathers.  She couldn't help but notice the fact that she was only person in the room unaccompanied by another family member.  She was pulled from her reverie when she heard Logan's quiet voice.

"Be here when I wake up?" Logan slurred as his medications began to take effect.

"I'll try, but I'll definitely be in your dreams," Max promised stroking his forehead as his eyes closed.

"You always are," he whispered so quietly that even her heightened hearing almost couldn't make the words out.  As he fell asleep, Max was left alone save the sound of the persistent beeping of Logan's heart monitor.


	6. Chapter Six

Disclaimer:  I begged and pleaded with TPTB but they still won't give them to me.

AN:  I'm sorry that it took me so long to update this story.  I've had a lot on my mind these past few weeks and I greatly apologize to the readers.  Thanks Vix for all your help!

CHAPTER SIX 

"Ma'am, you need to sign the register," the receptionist called as Max bypassed the sign-in desk in the waiting room.

            "Oh.  Sorry," Max said retracing her steps to the desk.  

            "Name?" the receptionist questioned looking at the papers in front of her.

            "Cale, Logan.  He's having liver surgery," Max replied as she watched the woman flip through the pages.

            Picking up her highlighter, the woman marked Logan's name.  "Okay, Miss," she smiled, "I'll notify you when we have any information."

            Gazing around the room, she saw groups of people.  Families waiting for news on their loved ones.  Some faces remembered from the pre-op holding room, and others were new.  _I can't stay in here.  I just don't think I have the energy to wait in a room full of people and feel so alone right now,_ Max thought.  _ I wish I had told Cindy what I was doing today.  I guess even Superwoman needs a shoulder to lean on every once in a while._  "Um, actually, Dr. Carr told me that it would be alright if I waited in Logan's room.  Could you transfer the call there?"  Max asked.

            Glancing up the woman noticed Max's distraught face and was overcome by a wave of sympathy.  "Of course, I'll make a note."

            "Thank you," Max smiled sadly as she walked out of the room.  "Oh," Max said as she brushed against a man entering the room, "I'm sorry." 

            "No problem," he replied.  "Hey Glory, you ready to go home," he asked the woman behind the counter.

            "Always ready, Bret," she grinned.  "Just one special case for you tonight," she told him as she relinquished her clipboard and highlighter to the man.  "The woman who just walked out, she's here with a Logan Cale.  I don't think she could handle the room, so I told her we would buzz the patient's room when we had any information on him."

            "You're a softie, Glory," he shook his head as he jotted down the information.

            "I know," she smiled, "now I'm off to light a candle and then I'm going home.  Have fun," she called over her shoulder as she left the room.

            As she rounded the corner she saw the elevator doors about to shut.  "Hold the doors, please," she called, knowing how slow the system was in the hospital."  She saw a hand fly out and force the doors back open, "Thank you," Glory breathlessly said to her companion.

            "No problem," a flat voice responded.

            Looking up, she noticed that it was the same woman from the waiting room.  Glory couldn't help but be touched by the sadness marring the beautiful face of the woman.  "I'm sure he'll be fine," she told the woman standing next to her.

            Max smiled gratefully, "Thank you."

            "I'm stopping by the chapel on my way out…perhaps, you'd like to come with me?"

            "Thanks, but…" Max trailed off, looking for a way out of the uncomfortable situation.

            "That's okay," Glory responded.  "Everyone deals with pain in their own way.  I'll light a candle for the two of you."

            The elevator announced its arrival at the floor, and Max stepped off waving a good-bye to the woman left behind.  She turned right by the elevators and walked down the hallway to Logan's room, feeling more and more burdened with every step.  She cast a quick glance at the nurse's station as she passed by on her way back to Logan's room.  Max breathed a sigh of relief as she approached the threshold of the room, and was able to close herself in, away from the outside.  

As amusing as Logan's screensaver was, Max decided that forty minutes of it was enough, and placed the laptop on the bedside tray.  "Well so much for working on Eyes Only stuff while Logan was down," she muttered.  Letting out a sigh, she let her gaze wander around the room.  _Basic setup for a hospital,_ she thought, _mirror and a sink by the bed, uncomfortable plastic chair/bed combination, mounted TV—bet ya couldn't even get fifty dollars for that thing—and, of course, the cornerstone of every Catholic hospital, the cross.  You're just a piece of plastic.  I don't understand what all the fuss is about, _she said as she stared at the cross on the wall.  She remembered the woman from the elevator promising to light a candle for Logan and herself.  _I wonder if she did_, Max idly thought.  _I don't know what to do_, Max internally screamed as she focused on the cross.    

_I've never done this before_, _well, aside from the Blue Lady,_ she thought, focusing her attention at the man nailed to the cross.  _I don't even know if you can hear my thoughts because I wasn't created by you.  But I do have a soul, at least Logan seems to think I do.  I…I can't lose him.  If you know anything about me, you know that I can't lose him.  I'm not really sure how to do this, but…um…I know that sometimes people make deals with you when they're having problems.  That's what I want to do, make a deal.  I promise I'll change if you let him live—I don't even care if I can't be with him, as long as he's alive.  That's all I want,_ she pleaded_, the knowledge that he'll be okay.  Please, I just need to know that he'll be okay.  I…I love him_, she thought as the tears cascaded down her face and lulled her to sleep.

Max silently entered the darkened apartment and made her way to the clicking sounds coming from the office.  "Now how did I know this would happen?" She asked as she leaned against the doorframe and watched Logan pour over the files in front of him.  

Logan looked up guiltily when he heard her voice from behind him, "Well, you know, I got a lot of time on my hands right now."

Pushing away from the door, Max moved to stand directly behind the chair.   "C'mon Logan," she pouted playfully, as she spun him around to face her, "this is a dream. We aren't supposed to be reading files."

"Oh really?" he questioned mischievously.  "What pray tell, are we supposed to be doing?"

"Having fun," Max replied.  "I don't know," she added finally, seeing the puzzled look on Logan's face, "the things you can't do or aren't allowed to do in the real world."

"Well, then," Logan stands suddenly, penetrating her personal space, "how about we do," he continues as he closes the distance between their faces and mutter against her lips, "this."   

            Max is shocked back into awareness, as a cool breeze replaced the kiss she was expecting.  Feeling the sand beneath her feet, she gazes at the ocean Logan has created for the two of them.  "This is beautiful," she whispers, "where are we?"

Avoiding the question, Logan asks, "So is this what you had in mind?"

"Well, it is a start," Max smiles as she turns to look at him.  But before she can question Logan's mischievous grin she feels herself freefalling through the air.  "Ahhhh!" she screams, "This is more like it," she exclaims as she feels the bungee cord go taut.  "Whoa, this is definitely more like it," she yells, looking over at Logan.  "Logan!" she screams in horror, as she realizes that he's no longer breathing.  Changing scenes quickly, she places him on a bed, and kneels over top of him.  "Logan," she implores, "wake up.  Come back to me.  Logan," she whispers.  _You can't do this to me,_ Max insists looking up at the sky.  _We made a deal!_  "Logan, Logan, Logan," she repeats, watching as life ebbs away from the man beneath her.  "Don't die on me, please."

As Max holds onto Logan in the dream world, the surgeons are gathered around his body, busily trying to revive him.  "Charge to 200," Sam yells as he grabs the paddles.

"Charging," the OR nurse replies as she flicks the switch on the machine.

"Clear," he exclaims, sending a jolt of electricity coursing through Logan's body.  _Don't die on me Logan, Max will kill me._  Giving the heart monitor a quick glance he sees that no change has occurred, "Charge to 300!"

*~*~*~*Yes, I already know Max and Logan aren't really in character.  But hey, _it is_ fanfiction, sooooooo…….Thanks so much for reading.


	7. Chapter Seven

Disclaimer:  Please, do we need to go through this again?

Author's Notes:  Thanks to Vix who read this chapter months ago and corrected it for me.  A special thank you goes out to **Topaz** for all the emails, and if you're reading this chapter Topaz, email me so I can get your input on the final chapter.

~*~*~*From Chapter Six~*~*~*       

"Logan, Logan, Logan," she repeats, watching as life ebbs away from the man beneath her.  "Don't die on me, please."

As Max holds onto Logan in the dream world, the surgeons are gathered around his body, busily trying to revive him.  "Charge to 200," Sam yells as he grabs the paddles.

"Charging," the OR nurse replies as she flicks the switch on the machine.

"Clear," he exclaims, sending a jolt of electricity coursing through Logan's body.  _Don't die on me Logan, Max will kill me._  Giving the heart monitor a quick glance he sees that no change has occurred, "Charge to 300!"

~*~*~*Now onto Chapter Seven~*~*~*

"Logan, Logan, Logan," Max repeats endlessly willing life back into his body.  "Logan," she cries as she places her hand on the side of his face.  As she closes her eyes, she hears his sudden intake of breath.  "Oh thank God!  What happened, are you okay?  Don't do that again."  

"Sorry, kind of tired," he explains weakly as he tries to sit up.

"No," Max says seeing his motions, "Let's rest for a while."

"Thanks," Logan murmurs as he allows Max to cradle him in her arms.

"Just remember our deal," Max begins, trying to sound nonchalant, "If you die on me…"

"Yeah, yeah, you'll kick my ass," Logan replies, as a slow smile spreads across his face.

"Well," Max glances down at him, her eyes sparkling with mischief, "I was going to say you'll never get to see me naked, _but_ that works too."

"Funny girl," he laughs

"Well, I try," she jokes, briefly returning his smile before turning serious.  " How are you feeling?"

"Tired and weak," Logan replies honestly.  He turns his head to glance around at the surroundings; they are back on the beach a few feet from the ebbing tide.  "I just died Max," he whispers in astonishment, "I just died in both worlds."

To anyone else Logan's answer would have simply been one of wonder, but Max could hear the fear in his voice.  "You can't leave me Logan," Max pleads, tightening her hold on him.

"I won't," he says looking up into her face, "I promise."

"Don't make a promise you can't keep," she quickly throws back.

"Have I yet?" he asks sleepily.

"No," she smiles stroking his hair as he closes his eyes.  "I don't know how it happened Logan," she says quietly, trying not to disturb him.  "I mean all I wanted from you was a statue.  The plan was for me to steal from you, not you from me.  But you did anyway.  You broke down all of my defenses and made me care—about something other than myself.  You showed me what it was like to be happy and feel safe.  You made me feel loved.  You made me a whole person Logan."

Logan pulls away from her embrace, and stares at her in amazement because she has finally opened up.  "You were never broken," he whispers wrapping his arms around her.

"I felt like I was," she murmurs against his neck.

He pulls away slightly so he can look into her eyes, "No, you're perfect," Logan declares, accentuating every syllable with a kiss.

"I love you," Max grins as he kisses her lips.

"I love you."

"Why does it take you dying, for me to tell you that?"  Max questions.  She hears her words echo around her and she notices that the dream world they have created has begun to fade.  She turns to look at Logan, only to find that he has already disappeared.  In the distance, Max hears a voice beckoning to her.

_"Ma'am?  Ma'am?"_

Slowly Max opens her eyes, taking in the bland colored walls and the cross directly in front of her.  Shaking her head slightly to clear her muddled thoughts, she hears the voice again.

"Mrs. Cale," the nurse says again, more loudly.

"Logan," Max exclaims as the nurse's voice finally pieces her consciousness.  "Oh sorry," Max apologizes as she sits up on the bed and focuses her attention on the nurse.  "Where's Logan?  How is he?"  She asks hurriedly, afraid that something happened to sever their connection in the dream.

"Mr. Cale is halfway through the surgery," the nurse smiles.

"Thank you.  Have there been any complications?"  Max asks, even though she knows the answer.

"The doctor will be with you shortly," the nurse states, deftly avoiding the question.  "Perhaps you would like to go to back to the waiting room so he'll be able to talk to you there." 

As the nurse shuts the door, Max swings her legs over the bed and stands.  Glancing at the bed, she gives a frustrated sigh, knowing that the link between them has been broken for the time being.  "I don't understand," Max says to the empty room.  "How is this possible?  Why am I…why am I sharing a dream, correction, another dream with Logan?"  She paces the room in long strides, her arms wrapped tightly around her body.  "What does this mean?  I don't understand…what a joke, the genetically engineered superhuman is confused," quietly berating herself while pacing the room.  Hanging her head, she squeezed her eyes tightly shut, trying to reign in her emotions, and failing miserably.  Once the tears started there was no holding them back, "See what you've reduced me to Logan Cale," she laughed slightly as she caught her reflection in the window.  "This isn't helping," brushing the tears angrily away, she sat back down on the bed.  Closing her eyes, she visualized him lying on the operating room table, "I can't do anything Logan.  For once, I am completely powerless, but you aren't.  You have to fight Logan.  Fight for me, because I can't, and it's up to you now.  Fight Logan," she willed, "fight for us."  

A warm sensation coursed throughout her body, as if she was just waking from sleep.  Opening her eyes, Max felt comforted, as if she was being held.  The warmth seemed to be a promise, and in that moment Max knew Logan would not die today.  Smiling, she lifted her head, drawing in a deep breath when her gaze focused on the cross, once more.  Inherently, she knew that there was more to this whacked out idea of a Blue Lady.  She pushed away from the bed and came to stand in front of the brass cross, running her fingers over the cool surface.  "Thank you for bringing him back," she began awkwardly, gaining confidence with each word.  "I know that he has work left for him to do, especially with me.  He's an amazing man, but you must know that.  I'm not one to admit my weaknesses, but I need him.  _I need him_.  I remember back at Manticore we had to study philosophy, and I'll never forget Socrates.  That's what Logan is to me, he's the missing half of my soul.  Hell I didn't even know I had a soul until I met him, but when he spoke I felt it.  I felt that intense connection fusing the two of us back together.  I understand life better now, and I know I can't face it without him.  I need him there with me.  I'll always need him.  I know we won't have forever now, and I understand that—we needed the disease to make us admit things to one another.  But if you could just spare him for a few more years, I'll try to make this whole prayer deal a ritual.  Please, let me keep him around for a little while."  

~*~*~*TWO HOURS LATER~*~*~*

Max looks up as the waiting room door opens, and tosses the magazine back onto the table and she sees Sam walking towards her.  

"Max?" Sam begins.

"What's wrong?" Max interrupts Sam mid-stride, "Is he alright?  Did something happen?"

"Why don't you come into the conference room?"  He suggests nodding his head towards the door.  "Come on, Max," he says taking her hand and leading her into the room.

"What's wrong, Sam?" 

"There have been some complications," he explains.  "We lost him once on the table.  He's lost a lot of blood, but we did manage to repair the artery.  The transplant team is evaluating him at the moment."

"When can I see him?" Max asks anxiously.

Sam smiles and shakes his head, knowing that if he doesn't allow her to see Logan, she'll find some other way into the recovery room.  "He's only been in recovery for ten minutes, Max, normally we don't allow visitors in the room."

A small smile spread across Max's face as she heard the word, "Normally?"

"Give me thirty minutes, and then meet me in the hall," Sam surrendered.

~*~*~*ICU RECOVERY ROOM~*~*~*

"Thank you for keeping your promise," Max says quietly as she watches Logan sleep.  "When am I going to learn, don't doubt Logan Cale, Protector of the Downtrodden?  Thank you for coming back to me, for fighting for us.  I may be the soldier, but you're the strong one."  She brushes a lock of hair from his forehead, "After the hell I put through, you were fighting with this all along.  I'm so sorry Logan," she whispers, her voice thick with unshed tears.  "I guess we both need to learn to lean on each other, how to accept help when problems get to big for us to handle alone.  We're stronger together than we are apart."

"Colonel Mustard with the rope," Logan mumbles as he begins to wake up.  "Pink elephants on parade."

"Well, Mr. Cale," Max smiled, "at least we know your imagination is still intact."  Logan's head turns slightly at the sound of her voice, "I'm here, Logan, I'm here."

"Always there for you," Logan mutters.

"I want you to know, I'm there for you too."

Logan smiles weakly at her, without opening his eyes, "Love you," he whispers before falling back asleep. 

"Logan?  Logan?  Did you just say that you love me?" Max questions. Assuming that he's fallen asleep once more, she smirks.  "Whatever, you're on I want some of it."  

Slowly opening his eyes and pinning her with his gaze, Logan responds to Max in a voice so soft only she can hear, "I love you Max, but shut up.  You're going to give me a headache," Logan winces at the sound of his own whispering, "and I don't think I need any more pain."

"Well, Mr. Cale, it's nice to see that you're awake," the nurse says as she steps up to his bed.

Max grins, "Saved by a nurse."

"You're doing well, Mr. Cale.  Blood pressure is good, pulse a little high, normal temperature," she rattles off as she makes a note in the chart.  "Hmm," she says flipping the page, "you haven't taken any pain medication since you came out of surgery; let me go ask Dr. Carr what I can give you."

"No pain meds since surgery?"  Max questions, raising an eyebrow.

Logan grins sheepishly at Max, "Damn, can't get out of that now."

"No, you're stuck with me," she whispers bending over to kiss him, "for life."

~*~*~*If anyone thinks Sam let Max in quickly, you should see how fast my mom got us in to see my dad after a ten hour liver operation.  He had been in recovery, not ICU, but recovery for all of fifteen minutes before we were in there with him.  Thanks for reading, and look for the concluding chapter sometime this week.


	8. Chapter Eight

Disclaimer:  Well, I begged and pleaded with TPTB, but they still won't relent and give me the characters.  

My Notes:  Has anyone heard Diamond Rio's "I Believe"?  If you haven't heard the song, find the lyrics because…well…wow, what a great song to accompany the reading of this fic.  Also, when you read this chapter, please be willing to have an open mind and believe that love will always find a way.  Thank you Alexandre and Vix, and thanks to all of you have been reading this story.__

Chapter Eight:  Christmas Presents 

Logan quietly enters the bedroom, moving over to his side of the bed to watch Max sleep.  _I have to stop doing this_, he thinks as he climbs into the bed, _I don't know who I hurt more, me or them._

Max rolls onto her side as she feels the bed shift with the weight of her husband.  "Finally coming to bed, huh?"

"I wanted to check on them," he leans over to whisper in her ear.

"Oh, of course," Max says with a knowing grin on her face, "check on them, he says.  What he means, is that he wanted to give them an early Christmas present."

"Oh you know me too well, my love," Logan smiles as he leans down to kiss Max's lips.  "Would you like an early Christmas present, too?"  he grins mischievously.

"Hmm, I don't know," Max mockingly replies.  "I've been awfully bad this year," she pouts as she leans up to kiss him.

"You?" Logan questions as their kiss ends.  "Never," he declares as a wide smile graces his face.

"So what did you leave for the little munchkins this year?"  Max asks as she wraps her arms around Logan's body.  

"Well, let's see," Logan begins as he snuggles into her embrace.  "Jessica is going to wake up to find the charm bracelet she's been begging for these past three months.  Michael will be waking up to a new laptop.  I just don't understand why that boy is so attached to the computer," he adds playfully.

"Well, I seem to remember a time when I couldn't drag you away from one either," Max grins at him.

"That was before I figured out how much fun there was to be had away from the digital world," he whispers as he trails a finger down her back.

"Hmm," Max shivers, "let's hope Mike plays with the computer for a few more years at least."

"I agree," Logan chuckles.

"What about Allie," Max questions.

"Allie-bear gets the surprise gift this year," he grins.

"No fair," Max pouts.  "You could at least tell me what her part of the gift is," she reasons.

"Nope," he replies smugly.  "That's why they're called surprise gifts.  Whatever I left for Allie is part of what I left for you."

Max huffs softly in disgust.  "Well," she says relenting as sleep begins to claim her, "at least you didn't wake them up."

"No," he smiles sadly.  "No, I didn't wake them."

"I love you, Logan," Max whispers as she falls asleep.

"I love you too," he says as he softly kisses her.  He watches over her for a moment, thinking about all the Christmas memories they have shared and about how big his family has grown.  The past few years have been hard for Max, and Logan yearns to ease her pain.  He silently berates himself for coming back, reminding her of him and opening still fresh wounds.  _How can she heal, Logan, if you're still with her?_  Logan softly shook his head; he had to stop visiting her.  Max and the kids, they need time to heal.  To move on…to move away from him.  The only question was could he let her go?  Drops of silver sparkled in his eyes, and he bent to kiss Max one more time before he disappeared.

"MOMMY!"  Allie exclaims as she jumps onto the bed, rousing Max from sleep, a few hours later.

"Good morning, Allie-bear," Max smiles as the four-year old bounces into her open arms for a hug.

"Look at what Santa Claus left for me last night," she excitedly chatters as she hits Max in the head with a stuffed kitten.  

"Allie," Max laughs, "watch out where you throw that thing, will you?"

"Sorry, Mommy," Allie grins.  "Oh, guess what?  Santa left you something too," she says as her blue eyes sparkle.  "M-A-X," Allie carefully spells, "that's your name right?"  

"Yes, Sweetie, that's Mommy's name."

"Then see," Allie says holding out a small ring box to Max, "this one is for you.  It was attached to my kitty.  Isn't my kitty pretty, Mommy?  She looks like that statue in the living room."

"Bast," Max nods in agreement, "she looks like Bast."

"Mom!"  Jessica screams as she comes running into the bedroom trailed by Michael.  "I can't believe you got the bracelet for me.  Thank you, thank you, thank you," Jessica repeats as she flops onto the bed beside Max and hugs her.

"But I didn't," Max begins slowly, before being interrupted by her son.

"What's that?" Michael asks, seeing the ring box his mother is holding.

"Santa left it for her," Allie states proudly, "it was attached to my new kitty. See her Mikey," Allie says, whacking her brother with her new toy.  "Her name is Bast," she says proudly, hugging the kitty to her chest as Michael rubs his head.

"Aren't you going to open it, Mom?" Jessica asks eyeing the package.

_Logan?  No,_ Max thought, _it had to be a dream.  You have to move on, Logan is gone.  Oh really, _another voice began that sounded a lot like Logan, _how do you explain the gifts?  I'll always be watching you.  _

Reaching out a hand to touch her mother, Jessica begins, "Mom."

"Yeah," Max says as a tear falls from her eye.  "Let's see what's inside," she chokes out as she opens the ring box.

"Wow," Jessica gasps as she gazes down at the intricately designed platinum band.

Max takes the ring out of the box and reads the inscription out loud. "For my goddess," Max sniffles, "my dark angel, my love."

All three of the children sit silently on the bed watching their mother as the tears fall from her eyes.  "I miss him, Mom," Jessica whispers.

"So do I, Baby," Max smiles through her tears.  "We all miss him."  Max looks at the inscription in the ring one more time before slipping it on her finger.  Wiping away the tears she looks at the sad faces surrounding her.  "Why don't we go open some more Christmas presents," she asks allowing her brave face to fall into place.  

"More presents!" Allie exclaims leaping from the bed and running into the living room.

Max smiles as she watches Allie disappear from view.  She then looks at Jessica and Michael.  "You better go get her," she warns them, "otherwise she'll open up all the presents, like she did last year."

"Not again," Michael whines as he darts off the bed following Allie's path.

"Go ahead, Sweetie," Max says seeing that Jessica hasn't moved.  "I'll be there in a minute," she explains giving her a nudge off the bed, and a forced smile.

Max slips out of the bed as Jessica leaves the room and walks to the dresser.  "It's been two years," she whispers sadly as she picks up the photograph of the two them dancing at their twelfth wedding anniversary, two months before he died.  "We had so much fun that day," she reminiscences, as she relaxes her posture, imagining Logan standing behind her.  "I love you, Logan," she whispers softly, running her finger along the silver-filigree of the frame.  

"Mom!"  Michael yells from the living room.  "She's doing it again."

Max looks longingly at the photograph as she puts it back on the dresser and walks out of the room.

"I love you, Max," Logan whispers as his presence fades from position beside the dresser. 

_Finis_

~*~*I hope you enjoyed reading the story as much as I enjoyed writing the story.  To clarify, Max didn't give herself a ring, I hope it was clear that it came from Logan—this was the whole suspension of belief thing that I discussed in the notes at the beginning.  


End file.
